Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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