My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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