wanna go halves on a baby?
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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