Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
