Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
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