Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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