I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
