you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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