I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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