I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
