I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Randomize
