Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
I'm really busy with my period
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