i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
