brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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