So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
