Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
