Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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