just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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