You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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