I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
