I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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