A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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