I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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