i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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