I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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