I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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