Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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