I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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