I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
