I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
