You smell like a Billy Joel song
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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