Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
