...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Randomize
