y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
