Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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