her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
