Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
