I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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