More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just tell him i said nine months
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
My balls are so social today.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
