i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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