Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
