He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
