the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
