I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
