The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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