I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
this will be a night to untag.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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