So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
