I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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