I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Randomize
