i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
