I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize
