If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Randomize
