I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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